When the Eivind Berge media drama was still going on, a journalist interviewed me, and asked me a lot of questions. One question was “Can a woman deserve rape?”.
Here’s the thing – when I read these lists of “rape myths” , there is always a myth being debunked that a woman deserves to be raped if she dresses too sexy and gets drunk. Perhaps the journalist asked me that question, to see if I’d repeat the myth. I answered “Yes, she can deserve rape, if she does something horrible, like torture”. Then she asked if a woman deserves rape if she is drunk and wandering outside. I said no, she doesn’t.
I think we should never mix up “deserved it” with “asking for it”. Those are completely different things. If you talk rudely to some dangerous people, you don’t deserve physical battery, but you are “asking for it”. If you get drunk, pass out and get robbed, you don’t deserve it, but there you go.
Deserving it has to do with your own evil actions. You can say that a murderer, for example, deserves to be killed. They earned it. A torturer deserves torture. A rapist deserves rape. It doesn’t mean we should base our justice system upon this simple “an eye for an eye” rule, as a justice system is not solely about revenge. However, when it comes to deserve, I think I got the right idea. Thus, it’s possible to deserve rape. If it sounds like an unusual conclusion, remember how a lot of people love to wish prison rape on rapists and pedophiles.
“Asking for it” is about how responsibly you’re acting with your own self. It’s not possible to eliminate all risks and opportunities for rape and assault, but it’s possible to make them smaller. It is also possible to increase your risk of being raped or assaulted with your own actions. It’s possible to be partially responsible for your own rape, assault or anything else that could happen to you. I know it sounds callous, but most people already think that way about most things. They just exclude rape.
It’s easier to see how someone might be partially responsible for that bad thing that happened to them, if you imagine they were another person. What they did is essentially make the rape/assault easier for the rapist/assailant through negligence. It’s reasonable to ask how the reader would feel about a friend who got them drunk and made them go home with a bunch of shady people, or in any other way carelessly put them in a dangerous situation.
But I didn’t write this post to blame victims. I wrote it to clarify my views on the question the journalist asked me. My answer doesn’t tell the reader anything about my real feelings about rape and everyone involved in it. It doesn’t tell the reader whom I actually blame. Blame, like someone wise said, is lame. I don’t care that much about blame.
Here’s the first reason why I don’t care about blame:
“If it were just useless, blame wouldn’t be so bad. But we consider it one of the most damaging and dangerous concepts that has crept into self-defense training and post-incident counseling.
Like a raven raucously screeching with indignation from the safety of the tree branches, it seems you cannot avoid hearing about blame when it comes to self-defense, crime, violence — and most of all — rape.
Unfortunately, while everyone is playing hot potato with the whose fault an incident was, three critical components are overlooked:
1) People get hurt. 2) Blame is a form of damage control, and no damage control is ever as good as prevention. 3) There is nobody on this planet who is more concerned about your personal safety than you.”
Blame is not gonna help me avoid rape.
Here’s the second reason why I don’t care about blame:
“What’s even worse (having dealt with rapists, abusers, violent criminals and many other brands of low-lifes for many years) we can assure you, you can blame them all you want and they don’t give a damn. In fact, it won’t bother them at all. These people are so self-absorbed that unless they are immediately faced by legal action, physical repercussions or are in some other way inconvenienced, they don’t care how much you hate them. Like water off a duck’s back, the blame and hatred of others has no effect. It will not teach them a lesson, it won’t make them suffer, in fact, they won’t even feel guilty about what they have done. They’re generally too busy blaming others themselves.”
Blame is not gonna punish anyone.
I recommend this self-defense site to everyone, men and women: