Pressure to have casual sex

It came to me from several sources.

Boys

When I was 15, a guy of the same age liked me, and asked for sex. I liked him back, but wasn’t ready for that. I was very conflicted, and it hurt me a lot that I couldn’t do it for him. I just didn’t want sex with anyone yet. Also, looking back on this, it was silly to even worry about this. We permanently lived in different countries, and I wouldn’t come back to see him until next year. Yet it seems both of us thought there could be a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship.  To make the decision, I asked some female friends and my parents. A female friend, who was 13, talked about sex with her boyfriend enthusiastically, and said it wasn’t such a big deal, so I should do it.

Parents

My parents, being as far from traditional as possible, said it was no big deal and allowed me. While not feminists, they are very different from me: very social, enviable and extraverted.  They even said not having sex is actually bad for human health, and eventually I should do it. As a result, I said yes to the guy, but then a day before the meeting, I had to say no. He was disappointed, and we didn’t speak again.

Sex positive feminists

Just read another essay from the Yes Means Yes book, written by Heather Corinna. It goes along the lines of “Wouldn’t it be nice if girls were reared with an absolute that women experience, initiate, and pursue desire, and that it is completely acceptable to do so with great enthusiasm?”  She also imagines a world where women initiate sex as often as men, because “old masculinity roles are done away with” and the expression “getting lucky” makes no sense anymore. She finishes the description of that fantasy by saying sex should be optional and not mandatory, yet to make women, as a group, act like men, you pretty much have to apply some force. That way, feminists will always conveniently have a boogeyman to fight. When things are allowed to go on freely, men have to be, on average, the initiators, and feminists can complain about masculinity roles, and that women are still repressed.

Well, I was reared pretty much in Heather Corinna’s ideal world, and it did me no good. I thought girls were already very liberated, and sex was no big deal. But to me, it was a big deal.  I felt like there was something wrong with me, for not wanting to fuck as easily as girls my age and women in movies.

Some MRAs and PUAs

PUAs want women to give it up as easy and often as possible. Often, they overlap with MRAs. It seems a lot of MRAs are actually rather conservative and slut-shame profusely, but some do the opposite.  One even said that if being too much of a slut in the evolutionary past was harmful to women, it is not so anymore. So if women still feel psychological pain from being too slutty, it’s just maladaptive psychology, and hopefully society and trans-humanism will fix that in the future.

Conclusion

Apart from my parents, none of these people had my interests in mind. Or the interests of teenage girls. Boys and men obviously want them to be more open to sex, so they could get more sex with attractive teenage girls. Going as far as saying you’re defective if you like to think before you fuck and show careful pickiness. And feminists want to prove their ideology is correct, in which they are personally invested.

It would have helped me in my teen years, if someone told me the sexes are naturally different and those behaviors we evolved are there for a reason. That hoping to have a relationship with a guy who lives in a different country is moronic, and that I’m not a bad person for not giving it up left and right. But oh well – despite lack of good information, I still didn’t turn into a slut, despite attempting several times.  I sensed that this activity would hurt me, and my instincts stopped me.

So I hope one day evolutionary psychology is used to explain to teenagers why things are the way they are, so we don’t get confused and agonize over simple things. I also hope girls and women don’t fall under pressure to become a slut, and treat sex like they treat eating ice cream, and feel defective when sex a big deal and it’s a relationship they really want.

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16 Responses to Pressure to have casual sex

  1. Ashley says:

    Very insightful post and thank you for sharing your experiences. It’s awesome that you have true to what you want instead of what everyone wants from you.

    Growing up, I always felt more pressure to be virginal than I did to give it up. “Wait until marriage” I heard all the time. Goodness, I’m so glad I didn’t wait for that, I’d still be a virgin…a very cranky and horny virgin. Anyways, I think the value of sex depends on the individual. Some people feel sex is a big deal to them, and that’s ok, and others don’t see sex as valuable and that is ok too. Sometimes, even though it’s annoying, some people have to just make their own mistakes and learn how they feel about sex and relationships by trial and error, and it’s important to know what just because one might have a slutty past, doesn’t make them any less of a moral or valuable person. Even if they succumb to pressure, they can learn and grow from that experience. Slut shamers will disagree, but I’ll always disagree with the idea that shaming woman for casual sex does any good, because the fact is, it just hurts us all. Life is too short to live with regret.

    • emmatheemo says:

      I guess in USA (I think you are from there?..) you have more pressure against sex than Russia or Norway.

      True, horniness can be a problem. But I think you don’t have to sleep around a lot to get rid of that. After 22 years, I started to feel like I waited too long and got casual sex. On my terms, rather than because of any pressure. And it turned into a relationship. Everything I read and experienced tells me that sex is so much better when you have known the guy for a while and have mutual good feelings, even if it’s just a FWB.

      I don’t think slutty past makes anyone a worse person, or a worse friend. But I don’t blame those people who don’t want to date promiscuous people. When it comes to love, demands rise. For example, I have manwhore friends, but I would never date them – I just don’t know if I can trust them. They have too much desire for sexual variety, too many options, and they haven’t learned to develop patience. How one spends one’s 20s and teens teaches people to act one way, and some things they never even learn. It’s like that with everything in life. I wouldn’t want to date men who spent a long time doing one thing (getting used to variety and never training themselves for commitment), and then suddenly want to have a sharp turnaround.

      Having said that, I think people should do what they want, as long as they do it responsibly.

    • Emma the Emo says:

      One more thought.. It’s bad to live wallowing in regret. But at the same time, I’d aknowledge if there is something I regret, figure out why I do, and then not do the regretful thing anymore. I’ve done a lot of regretful things, but I learned from the mistakes. I feel there is a bit of a “I regret nothing” mindset going on in some circles. I think it’s the wrong one. Regret is removed by fixing mistakes, rather than denying one feels it.

  2. Kate says:

    Nice reflections. I didn’t have a lot of guidance on this issue either and by the time people tried to give it, it was WAY too late. But, like you, there was just something telling me no, causing me to turn down opportunities.

  3. Eric says:

    Emma:
    Yes, it’s very different in the US. America is an extremely sex-negative country. From a man’s standpoint, we’re simultaneously pressured and punished for showing any normal, healthy sexual interest in women. Men who aren’t sexually active are shamed as ‘losers’ (especially by the Game/PUA bozos who always brag about sex but never actually experience it). At the same time, showing interest in sex brands a man as a ‘creep’ or a ‘pervert’. The schools and media here, for example, repeat continually that all men are potential rapists or stalkers.

    The women here see sex as something dirty and unclean as well—it means absolutely nothing to them as an emotional bonding experience. To that end they abandon themselves sexually to dysfunctional thugs and impotent metrosexuals and try to palm it off on each other as because ‘there are no good men left.’

    Actually, I hope to travel abroad more and meet some normal women!

    • emmatheemo says:

      I was reading Roosh, and he said about this subject that american women want good sex to just happen. While european women can talk about it, negotiate and then you still get laid. Since you have traveled, have you noticed this difference? Because what you describe sounds somewhat like that. The American man must perform in just the right way, or else the magic is gone and he’s a creep, or nothing happens.

      • Eric says:

        Emma:
        I haven’t travelled to Europe, but I have been in Latin America a lot. But from what you described, Latina women are very much like that (although I have heard it said that they take more ‘negociating’ than women elsewhere) LOL! American women do sound a lot like Roosh described them. Even worse, some dissatisfied American women will falsely claim rape if they are REALLY unhappy.

        American women generally feel that everything in a relationship is an entitlement. They are entitled to everything from sex to commitment unconditionally from the man; while offering no obligations or effort in return.

  4. Entity says:

    There is another downside to having too much casual sex – it teaches young girls (young meaning college freshmen age) a lot of wrong thing about sex and intimacy.

    Initially, freshmen girls get all the attention from all the boys in college, both juniors and seniors, and get lots of opportunity to hook up without forming much of an emotional connection or investing in a relationship. Every time you feel down, a new guy is right around the corner. In a few years, these girls turn senior and already see their market value crash. All the senior guys they are interested in (juniors are not longer worth the trouble) are chasing the fresh batch of freshmen pussy, leaving them out in the cold. A new acronym popped up a while ago, calling them SWUGs (senior washed up college girls – read a great article about them here: http://yaledailynews.com/weekend/2013/03/29/swugnation/ ).

    These poor SWUGs are all ready to settle down with the type of hot guy that has been chasing them for years, only to find themselves to be 22-years old spinsters in their local environment. Of course, they’ll be young and hot again once they leave sheltered campus life and enter the working population. But for now it teaches them a valuable lesson: hooking up and sleeping around a bit is fine. But once you find a worthy mate, start investing in the relationship instead of following your hypergamic instincts to look for a more exciting guy, the moment your current fling loses some of it shine. Unfortunately, no one teaches girls to balance those things: exploring sex vs exploring meaningful relationships

  5. Emma, you seem to be contradicting yourself here in numerous ways.

    We already know from evolutionary psychology why girls have a instinctive need to be ‘picky’. One central reason is that sex was historically likely to result in a much greater investment requirement from the female than the male (9 months pregnant etc).

    This no longer applies in the 21st century with easy access to contraception, safe and legal abortion, a welfare state to fall back on, liberal attitudes to casual sex, and lack of valuing of ‘honour’ and virginity etc.

    The point I made in my essay, which you’ve indirectly referred to again, is that a psychological process that was hardwired into the female brain when we were half ape and for environmental reasons that no longer apply, and that leads in the 21st century to false rape allegations, a high age of consent (which leads to thousands of men being raped in prison, and in the age of internet porn and hence draconian ‘child’ porn laws, the potential for millions to be so), and the curtailing of sexual opportunity for men, is a bad and unnecessary thing.

    I haven’t read an actual concrete reason on your part for stating that female choosiness should be preservered, aside from your illustration of the ‘gay bath house’, which to me isn’t any kind of argument. Your moral judgement of a ‘gay bath house’ springs solely from your instinctive ‘pickiness’ regarding sex, not on reason, hence it’s not an argument, and at best it’s entirely circular reasoning.

    I find it hard to understand where you’re coming from. You attack paedohysteria and false rape, and yet you wish to preserve and celebrate the very psychological flaws in human nature that are the origin of such things.

    And yes, I hope transhumanism can fix the faults in male nature that contribute to such evils – for example slut shaming and sexual hypocrisy.

    Sex positive feminism is an irrelevance these days by the way, only American puritan MRAs tend to dispute that anymore.

    • emmatheemo says:

      Yes, I was thinking of you when I wrote that, but don’t take it as an attack. The reason why I disagreed with you so strongly is because I felt you were arguing from your best interest only, and making it into a moral argument when it was not. When women do that on manosphere sites, we call that the feminine imperative. For example, when a woman appears and says men should do what women want, because “it’s the right thing to do”, we rightly call it out as selfishness. Maybe I was wrong and you were cincerely arguing only for what is most morally right and practical, but at the first sight it looked like transparent self-care, thinly veiled with language of morality.

      I don’t think women’s pickyness is the thing that creates high age of consent or false rape accusations. At least, pickyness would never be able to create those damaging things on its own. Those are things kept in place by both men and women. These things didn’t exist as much in the past. And they don’t have to exist today, even with modern technology.

      This is my point. I don’t see it as a psychological flaw to be picky. Feminism IS a psychological flaw, however (or, unrealistic ideology). But you will often see antifeminist women who like being women, yet are not supporters of fake rape laws, high age of consent or banned prostitution. We are logical, but we are not self-denying or apologizing for our sexuality and things we want, which hurt no one. Pickyness is just about preference. False rape and age of consent are moral issues.

      Perhaps to understand my point of view better, look at the link at the bottom (called Feminist Annihilation. Here’s your example of how sex-positive feminists have power and cause women to do self-destructive things to their souls). Like I said, pickyness is just preference, an internal drive. It’s not connected to morals (in fact, suggesting it is, reminds me of how Catholics talk about sexual “morality”, and I think we shouldn’t do that. Sexuality is sexuality, and morals are morals)

      As for transhumanism, I feel it’s too speculative at this point, and I’m not sure we’ll be able to control things as predicted, or have the results we wanted. Perhaps technology will end up in the wrong hands, and someone will argue that making everyone monogamous will solve all those false rape accusations much better, and fix us all. Everyone has their own version of what is a perfect/better person, and they will drag us in different directions, everyone convinced they are right. I hope no one does that, and you must understand that I’m not pro-forcing. I value personal integrity. If anyone touches my nature, they will draw back a stump. I find my nature is fine just as it is. It didn’t make me into a rape accuser, did it? I will touch no one’s nature and nobody may touch mine.

      I hope that explains it.

    • Emma the Emo says:

      “I haven’t read an actual concrete reason on your part for stating that female choosiness should be preservered,”

      To make it clear, the concrete reason is freedom and personal integrity. Plus you wrote that question wrong. It should be “why avoid tampering with women’s nature”, not “why preserve women’s nature”. IYou’d hate for someone to insist your desire for casual sex and young women is a “flaw” (“Especially if you aren’t planning to have babies anyway, what do you want young women for?..”), and you’d hate for someone to say it must be changed, so you start lusting for old hags. Do you understand now?

      Let me try again. Would you like for someone to discuss your natural desires like a problem to be fixed, like you’re not a person, but a utility? As if what YOU want doesn’t even matter, all that matters is everyone else?

  6. ghtr says:

    LOL. Evo-psych… Evolutionary psychology is pseudoscience.

  7. Frank says:

    People should have sex when they’re ready. I remember a girl at my university “selling her virginity” because she said she basically came to school to get rid of it and senior year it hadn’t happened. Apparently these days making it out of high school with your V card is bad enough, but going through College for 4 or 5 years without any success? “HOW ARE YOU A HUMAN BEING OMG WHAT IS WRONG WIT YOU? FUCKIN WEIRDO”

    Seriously the pressure I had to have casual sex in college basically resulted in none of it happening. Getting out of that childish environment was the first step to me actually being able to find relationships with women. I probably would have been able to in college if I had lived or made friends with anybody other than those idiots at school. In the real world nobody cares. But having classes/living with/working on campus with/being in sports/clubs with/going to parties/bars with the same college age group of people can really pressure you to try to “Van Wilder” it. As if you’re an idiot for doing anything else. And pressure doesn’t make it easy if you’re not already comfortable with it.

  8. :-p says:

    Ridicule of virginity stems from a lot of inner problems. If you are afraid to
    be judged by the majority, you will do anything to not be seen as part of a
    minority.

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