1.A quote from a forum where dead bedrooms are discussed:
“When something I enjoy starts becoming an obligation, I tend to start not wanting to do it anymore. I love swimming but if someone told me I MUST swim every day I will start doing it as an obligation and ultimately dislike it.
I don’t want my man’s “oil” to treat me good and care for me to be sex or BJs. I want it to be love. I don’t want to have sex with him to keep him happy and make him treat me good or care for me. I want to have sex with him cause I want him.”
2.A quote from reddit, where dead bedrooms were discussed:
“You guys make me hate sex. You really do.”
“You make sex a chore.”
It’s just two women, but it’s interesting. What does it mean? Why would knowing that husbands want to have sex make sex such a chore? Why is hearing it’s a need or an obligation within marriage make it a chore? The simple answer could be “sex is a chore if the other person wants it more than you”. Duh. But those quotes don’t say “It’s a chore to have sex when I don’t want to”, they say “What you’re saying makes sex look like such a chore”. Like as if she wanted it before, but now that she knows husbands need it and will ask it, it’s a chore. It doesn’t feel like a chore to me, even though I know it must be done. Because it’s fun.
But at the same time, I remember reading that if you experience some kind of discomfort or pain, it feels a lot worse if you perceive it as uncontrollable. If you feel you can stop it at any time, it feels more tolerable. So perhaps if you sometimes perform duty-sex, knowing that you “must” do it makes it feel that much more unpleasant. Or what?
Or maybe hearing that husbands need sex makes them look needy (or “entitled to sex” if you’re a feminist), and that’s a giant turn-off.